It’s Funny the things life throws at ya!!!

I’ve neglected my blog the past few months so I apologies for that,

I last left off having sent 5 letters off to the perspective 5 possible women that could be my birth mum, Was really shocked that within 24 hours.. One woman called me to inform me she wasn’t the one..it actually made me laugh as she was obviously very curious as to who I was and why I had sent her a letter, she stumbled upon the words to ask me was I looking for my Mum or something… but bless her she took the time to call me and at least I was able to tick the name off the list…over the coming few weeks I had another 2 calls, again they where not the right person but at least I was able to tick the name off the list..

So now I am down to 2 possibilities… I haven’t heard anything… and for some reason I don’t believe I will.. well not for now anyway.. ! maybe in a few months time.. but for some reason I believe its not going to be for some time yet… So watch this space.. If anything does change I will Defo blog about it…

It’s been a funny year or so for me.. it really seems to be one thing after another…

As you all know with the adoption saga and then loosing my best friend through a fall out, to my mother having a stroke and then a couple of months later being diagnosed with breast cancer.. along with my father having a stroke also it’s been an emotional roller coaster.. Up’s and down’s…

Dad has also spent weeks in hospital over the past few months and things have been all over the place.

it’s been a struggle to try and keep positive for the family and also to try and keep ones self from totally loosing it…

I’ve always been a very outgoing and happy guy for the most part…And I’ve always thought I could get through most things.. the past few years have proved that.. I’ve been through some some serious shit and have come out the other side smiling and remaining positive..

So it’s made me think.. WHY does life keep throwing bad stuff at some of us ?

I’ve just turned 35 in the past few weeks.. Something I have to admit I don’t like.. I just hate getting older…. I think it’s mainly because I’m afraid of being that person I used to take pity on when I was younger .. you know the type… the old man, Alone and perving on the younger gay men in one of the gay bars….Just wanting a connection with someone.. but all the younger lads, look at with disgust… it is something I have always been afraid of becoming or turning into…

I used to say it to all my mates growing up..And here I am at 35,  All my mates went off and got married and all have kids now… there lives have progressed and moved on, and I’m the only one still single and alone… It’s a strange feeling I have to say… and one that certainly makes you look at your life …

The past few month this has been something that has really played on my mind… you suddenly find yourself in a very strange position, your mates are no longer around.. well they are around but they are now worrying about kids and feeding and schools and family.. and no longer worrying about going out and meeting men and having fun…their lives have changed… yours is still as it alwasy was, but theirs is now compellty different.

So I’ve found myself asking this question a lot of late… Maybe because for the first time I find myself alone…

Why do some people have luck in love, and go from one relationship to another, where as some of us never have luck or seem to meet the right person ?

I want at this point to point out that this is not a Woe is me or Poor me blog… And I don’t want it coming across as such.. but it’s just amazed me that when all of a sudden you find yourself at such a stage of life alone for the first time.. and you really realise that your mates comes and go and life changes you have to be prepared for all eventualities…

Ive never had much luck in love.. I don’t know why… people have always said to me god you will be snapped up in no time.. or Love is just around the corner .. but for me this has never proved to be the case… You then have to deal with the People in relationships telling you to stop looking for love or that it will happen when you least expect it..

This has always made me laugh..is this something a person in a relationship feels they have to say to someone who is single to make themselves feel better ?.. because its not a true statement at all.. it is just something that us humans say to make the others feel better… I am not actively seeking to find love.. I just want to find a companion to share my life with.. it’s human nature .. thats what we are programmed to want and need in our lives. I don’t buy for a second people who say that they are truly happy on their own.. cause no human is.. we all need mates and companions in our lives.. its vital for us human beings. So the one thing that drives me mad is people in relationships telling me that I need to stop looking… !…. if they where alone would they ?

I fell in love last year for the second time in my life.. to a guy who was an emotional retard.. seriously ..he was fucked up… Lovely guy and we had lots in common but he couldn’t deal with emotions..he would push me away when we started becoming closer.. It would be fine for weeks and sometimes even months and we would get closer and closer and then out of the blue he would turn nasty to push me away…  As the good times out weighed the bad times.. I fell for him and his companionship.. but because he couldn’t deal with emotions he would push me away.. I stuck by him as I felt sorry for him and understood why he did what he did.. but it Ultimately destroyed me and my confidence.. After a year I had to walk away crushed and deflated..

Its took months before I started dating again and since then its been one failed date after another.. All seem lovely guys but they either don’t call, or stand me up… or it jsut doesn’t work out…

I did meet someone else who has been amazing… and has become a great friend.. but stupidly I developed feelings for someone who was straight.. Yes I know.. I’m an idiot.. but it was the amazing qualities and a genuinely good person that made it happen. I knew from the start that he was never going to be someone I could be with but, it’s amazing how the heart and the head take over in those situations.. Moving on and chatting it out with that person helped and I embarked on the dating scene again.. just to be stood up and messed around again and again…

So…

It made me look at things… Is it me…? am I fucking things up for myself or am I genuinely not finding the right guys.. ? Again everyone keeps telling me Im a great guy and would make a great partner. .but is that it ?.. or is it me picking the worng guys…?

I don’t think it is… I know what I want in life and I know what I don’t want.. I pick kind caring good guys that are fun to be with and I have a lot in common with.. but yet it doesnt seem to work out..!

I genuinely think as a Gay man living in Dublin in 2011 its damn hard to meet someone. I’m sure some of you reading this who are straight will relate and have similar issues .. but it is a lot harder to for a gay man.. as many of you know me well will know.. I don’t like Gay men.. ( and yes that is an issue..lol) I’m gay for a reason.. I like men.. and not men trying to be women.. so that is why I dislike the gay scene.. its full of camp men .. camping it up in my opinion for no good reason…

There are lots of gay sites and pick up apps for you phones.. but all the guys on there want sex.. its not a place to find anyone with any substance.. well so far anyway.. thats how I have found them

So I find myself in a situation … I’m attracted to straight men.. as that what I’m looking for .. A bloke.. just a normal bloke without campness and who is just a man.. after all that why i’m gay.. casue im attracted to that.

I’m taking a break from dating, and from men in general.. I have lost fate it has to be said.. I don’t think there is any issue with that .. I think Im entitled to have lost fate…

I guess at this point I’m gonna have to get used to being alone.. and not having mates around as much like I did when I was younger… And Have to stop falling for people who ultimately don’t have the same feelings…

This life lark can be sometime very hard..  But hey.. I’m a happy guy.. and will keep that smile on.. and who know’s what will happen in the future..

Tynan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You have to go out and make new friends.. and I have met some great people over the past few months… I’ve made a great mate from twitter and someone who has become a very important part of my life … I defo think the only solution when you get a run of bad luck is to have good friends to support you along the way and Mr Tony Reilly has become that person.. so for that I am very thankful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

First draft of Demo track – Chasing cars,

It’s not the best vocal in the world, lots to be changed for the next re-recording of it.. but would love your feedback, both negative and Positive welcomed !

 

Jack and The Beanstalk Panto 2011

Hey all,

Seeing as I’ve been updating the blog, thought I’d include this.. Some footage of the last Panto.. where I played Dame Trott.. Enjoy !

 

Update on the search for my Birth Mother

Hey Guys, sorry it’s been a while since I’ve done any updates.. yes yes I’m a lazy bastard….but hey better late than never right.

I left off my story having found my Birth mothers full name and My adoptive mother being treated for cancer… Thankfully She is doing fantastic now, Has the all clear and loving her life again, nothing like an illness to give you a new lease on life, it’s actually very inspirational to watch her.. she has retired from work and is off enjoying herself at every oppertunity. She is damn right..ya might as well see the world and live every moment as if it’s your last.

With regards to me and my search.. Well..With a little help from an un named source, Someone who was following me on twitter and read my blog, and heard me talk on 98 Fm Talk show with Joan lee approached me and offered to help. Without going into to much detail, she managed to get a hold of some records for me and helped my search quite significantly.. I really haven’t done much in the past year with regards to the search.. I think this is how the process works for some people, sometimes you just need a break, I’ve been through the emotional rollercoaster of emotions as you all know from my previous blogs and I’m a firm believer in it’s good to take your time.. no need to rush..

Basically this un named source, managed to get records of 5 possible names matching my mothers from the west of Ireland.. there where 5 people born roughly in the time frame she was and I now have 5 names, address and phone numbers… how scary is that.. I have these names about 3 weeks now .. and at this moment they are sitting in a press at home… I haven’t been able to look a this slip of paper since writing them down.. it’s mental…It’s kinda nice knowing they are there, but my mind has bene filled with nevers, doubts, and possible outcomes of what the steps ahead might have in store.

I have address and phone numbers, but have been trying to decide how best to approach the next step. Who knows what this woman life includes these days. I do know she is married with children, but if she has told her family about me or not I just don’t know. So I have to be very very careful how I approach her.

I think I have sort of ruled out making a phone call. I think it’s a little too in-sensitive to just pick up the phone and say “Hi I might be your son”… It’s not right to do that to someone. So I think the best thing to do is to start by sending a letter… But …  What do I put in this letter….?

In the event the letter is opened by someone other than her… and she hasn’t told them about me… I could cause all kinds of chaos for her… So I have to select my words very carefully.. and write it in such a way that she will know it’s me but that someone else may not necessarily pick up on if you know what I mean.

I’m truely struggling with what and how to phrase this letter… and to be hoenst I’ve been trying desperatly to put it out of my head.. but its keeps sneaking back in…

But as it’s vital that it’s phrased perfectly.. I shall take my time until I can word it right.

I promise to keep you all updated on what happens next…

Watch this space

Tynan

 

 

 

 

 

Trip to NYC

I’m Just back from an incredible trip to New York, It’s true what people say it really is an incredible city, and most of my time was spent with a creek in my neck from staring at all the Skyscrapers..

As some of you know my lovely mother was diagnosed with Breast cancer back in November and as her treatment was due to start as we approached Christmas time, as a family we had decided not to go crazy on presents. My mother had said to myself and my sister that we would each get a card on Xmas Morning as she wasn’t up to shopping. Obviously that was the last thing on our minds at the time. But on Christmas morning when I opened my card to find a trip to New York inside I was totally shocked !  As I had never been to the Big apple and it had always been a place I wished to visit I was so excited…. Mum was too, its was great thing for her to look forward to when she had finished her treatment..She announced that she had booked a suite in the Waldorf Astoria for us.. a Park Ave suite with two huge King size double beds in the Room..So excited so many movies had been shot in that hotel and to hink we where getting to stay there also !!

We headed of on the 8th of April and  It was an incredible trip.. I don’t want to bore you with every thing we did but have decided to show you some of my favorite photos instead !

 

Video Footage of My Adoption Story on The Afternoon Show

Hey Guys,

I finally got round to Uploading footage of my appearance on the Afternoon Show.

The VT footage was filmed over a year ago.. and God I was a fatty.. Since then I’ve lost 6 stone… and by the time I appeared on the Show as a live guest at that stage I had lost 4.5 stone… Nothing like seeing yourself on telly to motivate yourself to loose more weight…

So for those of you who didn’t see it.. enjoy !!!

 

The Search for my Birth Mum

After a very emotional and eventful couple of years, I’ve decided to share this story with you.

Below is the Story sum up, I prepared for RTE One – The Afternoon Show. It’s a brief outline they wanted for their website, after I agreed to go on the show and share my story. I know Sheana Keane the presenter, and over the years she had heard my story as it progressed and always encouraged me to share it, and eventually I came to the conclusion that it would be a good thing to do and something I felt I needed to do for myself.

So here it goes !

I started my search when I was 18. I thought it would be a fairly easy process, only to be put in a queue to see the agency I was adopted from.  After 3 years waiting they called me in.. I was given very basic info, like age of parents and little else, and told to wait until I was a little older before pursuing any further info.. and was marched out the door.. There was little compassion or understanding from the staff which was quite surprising given their line of work and I walked away feeling frustrated and no better off than I had been 3 years previous.

I went to Australia and when I returned to Ireland 4 years later, I got back into the queue to pursue further information and to start looking for my Birth mother.

I waited again in a queue for a further 5 years, and a week before my 30th birthday I was called into the agency again. This time I got what they call my full Non identifying information.. They told me that my mother was 16 and was called Mary and my father called Roderick and he was 19 ( yes I know Roderick very ugly name hehe), Mary’s mother had just died of cancer and she was left to look after her father and 4 younger brothers, They told me she was from the West of Ireland and wouldn’t tell me where and then explained that her father had sent her up to Dublin to have Me and she stayed with a relative.. She wanted to keep me and was trying to convince Roderick to marry her so she didnt have to give up her child for adoption, remember its mid 70′s in rural Ireland. I was born on the 16th October and she refused to sign the adoption papers , she kept trying to convince Roderick to come to Dublin and see the baby ( me). She knew if she managed to get him to see me he would give in.. Meanwhile Roderick came clean to his parents , his father encouraged him to marry Mary, but his mother was disgusted and sent for the local priest.Tthe local priest came to the house daily after that and told Roderick that it was a mortal sin to marry Mary. Poor Mary waited until December in the hope that Roderick would change his mind.. What’s unusual in this case is she was allowed to visit me in a convent in Blackrock while this was going on and came daily.. She  had called me Brian. On the 24th Dec she gave in and wrote me a letter which I was allowed to see some of and she apologised and said she didn’t want to give me up but had no choice she had tired.. I could see the tear stains on the page where it had smudged the ink.

I obviously came away blown away by my story , it all of a sudden became a reality and I felt like I was watching a movie and living someone else’s life.. Thankfully my  friend Gail had come to the agency for support that day because 5 minutes after leaving the agency I blacked out.. I went into shock and to this day I still don’t have any memory of what I did during those few days following.. I went to work I know that but my mind went into overdrive.. I questioned everything and everyone in my life.. I didn’t feel like me.. I felt I should be this other person Brian and should be living this other persons life. It took me months to come to terms with it all.. thankfully I had my friends and my Family to help me through and their support was fantastic.

After a couple of months I contacted the agency again and asked to pursue contacting her.. they started the search.. This went on for weeks and I had to keep chasing them.. At the time I felt they weren’t really doing much to help me, they kept giving stupid reasons for not making phone calls to her every time I called to check in and see how progress was going.. I then got a phone call to say they had found her.. We drafted a letter to send, and it was sent a couple of days later.

Two weeks later I got a phone call from the agency, Obviously I was awaiting a call form them and when I saw their number flash up on my mobile screen my heart began to thump. I answered and was informed that they had made contact with her family following on from the letter being sent and told me that after receiving the letter she had committed suicide. I had heard form the agency that she had married and had children, I was devastated.. completely blamed myself for her death and now because of my own selfish wants to know who she was this poor lady took her own life.

Two weeks later I got another phone call from the agency to inform me “Oh no Wait we made a mistake it wasn’t her that committed suicide”…It was someone of the same name.  Naturally I went ballistic.. I couldn’t believe they had made such a huge mistake.. they were playing with my life.. I had blamed myself for this  woman’s death, guilt ridden that I had taken her away from her children all to hear it was a stupid mistake.. I told the agency that I never wanted to hear from them again unless it was direct news from my mother. they pleaded with me but I was so angry.

Months later after coming to terms with it all., I came across a website set up by students in Trinity college originally, it was an unofficial website for People like me who were adopted .. it was like a new lease of life.. with the changes now in the adoptions laws I was now entitled to look myself and find out my own information.. they even had a step by step guide on how to trace.. I joined the online chat group and all of a sudden I had support for the first time from people in similar situations as myself.. not only was I talking to children who had been given up for adoption, I was also talking to Mothers and fathers who had given up their children.. it was amazing support.. I started the search last October myself..

The step by step guide suggested that with as little information as I had, I could find her.. Using just her first name and my first name and my DOB, I could look through the  Birth records of the year I was born and obtain my real birth cert.. not my adoptive one… but my real one.. I set out to Roscommon to where the offices were at the time,  myself and a friend looked through all the books listed for 1976 the year I was born. .thousands and thousands of name  row after row.. its was  just as you would imagine it old typing font with about a hundred names per page and after a couple of days searching, I found it , and what was even stranger it was actual birthday that day… I now had my original Birth cert . and my mother full name.. Mary Reynolds

That’s where I left off, I needed to take a break…

Next step was to obtain my mother’s birth cert, again through a process of elimination and then her Marriage cert.. once I have done that I can get her children’s birth certs and the most recent born is the most recent address for her..and shortly after this I had been speaking again to Sheana, like everyone else she found the story incredible and again asked would I like to share my story. I debated it for a long time but as the time passed and after all the searching I had done. Speaking to similar adopted people and Mothers out there who had given up their children for adoption my priorities started to change. I had been through a lot but I always flashed back to what poor Mary must have gone through, she was only 16, it must have been so traumatic for her to do what she had to do… as I said above I had spoken online to several mothers who had been searching for their children for years and how guilty they had felt all their lives for what they viewed as abandoning their child. All these stories had hit me very emotionally, these poor women who were forced in many cases to give up their children had spent their lives feeling guilty. I then knew then I had to take this opportunity to appear on The Afternoon Show…  I wanted to firstly see if they could assist in finding my mother.. but more importantly I wanted to let Mary know that I have a fantastic life, I’m very happy and that I have never blamed her for giving me up…That had become the driving force for me in my search.. I’m not looking for a mother.. I have a mother, a fantastic one at that.. but I wanted to find her to tell her that I never blamed her.. If we developed a relationship out of it then great but that is all I want, just to tell her don’t feel guilty.

I appeared on the show in November last year, I will put up the footage of the show up soon here for those of you who want to see it.

After appearing on the show , RTE received letters and emails that viewers wanted to send onto me, Amazing people who had taken the time to write to me thanking me for being so brave and sharing my story, Letters from Mothers thanking me for explaining as an adoptive person that I never blamed my mother for giving me up and that they shouldnt feel guilty…

I havent continued on with my search since as shortly after being on the show My Mum ( adoptive Mother) who will always be my mum sadly was diagnosed with Breast cancer… she had had a sudden stroke in August last year but was doing well and was on the road to recovery when the cancer was diagnosed… thankfully she is doing well now and is going through treatment at the moment. she is an incredible woman and I can’t believe the strength she has. So maybe in time I will continue on my search when Mum is recovered and my ol head has time to prepare…

 

Why do we still love to label people?

Anyone who know’s me has heard my rant on this subject many times, It’s something that completely baffles me…. but is it just human nature or are people just not thinking…?

Many of you know that I’m a gay.. Not that this should really matter…I’m no different to any other person, I generally like the same things and have the same past times as most, and I’m definitely not one of those camp effeminate gay guys, I’m just a regular lad.. but what I do behind closed doors is fascinating to most people… Sadly in the past few weeks in fact years, both my mates as well as work colleagues have a tendency both in a work and sociably to introduce me to people as… ” This is Tynan…. He’s Gay” …!

What the hell is that all about.. ?

It’s even done in the behind the hand manner sometimes, ” This is Tynan…(lean into the person and whisper he’s Gay)”

I think over the years I’ve learned to deal with it and fob it off in most cases.. But I just can’t help but wonder why the hell people feel the need to tell people my sexual orientation… I mean I don’t feel the need to introduce my Straight mates as..” This is such and such and they are so… Straight.. ” or ” This is Mary and she has a dreadful sex life” .

Why do you think people feel the need to for warn or get this information out to people…?

I think we all label to some degree, I even do it myself.. but when it comes to sexual orientation the average straight person feels the need to let the world know if someone is Gay!

I understand the insecurities that arise from it.. but this is not just defined to Straight lads , Women do it also…. I think most people are acceptable of sexuality these days.. and even my friends who I know haven’t a homophobic bone in their body still do it..! so I don’t think its a homophobic reason…

What do you think ?

 

Given in and started my own blog!

I’m defiantly a Social media head and considering I’m completely obsessed with Facebook, and twitter it was only a matter of time before I gave in and started my own blog. Seeing as I can’t function without checking into twitter every 5 mins I think I’ve managed to last a hell of along time without blogging, so here it goes,

I can’t guarantee its going to be the most riveting of reading but sure I will give it a go !!!